Scream for More

A few months ago, hours stretched 

Into nothingness.

Now time is compressed

There is so little,

I scream for more.

Darkness lifted

I move,

Create,

Plan, 

Dream.

I scream for more.

In Time

Years of therapy have done little to make loving myself easy. I'm not sure when things went awry; it could have been the mean neighborhood boys calling me fat on a daily basis. Early in my life I remember sitting in the backyard and yanking on the flesh of my upper leg in disgust. I was not good enough, or so I thought.

This thinking is hard to uncoil. The edges are sharp and have cut deeply into my psyche leaving scars. During the last six months, little by little I have learned that I am worth the effort to care for myself. I record everything I eat and drink. I walk. I choose to walk in the woods and by the sea. I breathe, infused with gratitude. Grateful that I have the means to take care of myself. Knowing I am worth it and good enough will come in time. 

Harry

A disproportionate number of kitty photos that appear in my memory feed are of Harry. A sleek, chiseled grey beauty named after my father. He was tough. No one messed with him. One summer he came home with claw marks extended down both sides of his face. He obviously got away from the clutches of something fierce to come home to me. 

Along with the dogs and numerous other cats, Harry slept with me. He would bend down close to my face and nudge me hard so it wouldn't take long at all to get attention. Then I would pat him in long strokes with a force that would send him off balance. He craved sensory input. When I got tired and stopped, he nudged and when that didn't work he often bit me. He drove me crazy with his need for attention, but even before his disappearance more that a year and a half ago I know how much I loved him. He initiated and I reciprocated the adoration. When he got his fill he would nestle into my back and sleep, the weight of his frame nudging me awake through the night acknowledging his presence.

My Harry. After all these months, I still anticipate your return. Stranger things have happened.

A Lingering

Each morning my dog Rex holds me to a routine. He offers me his paw to remind me that we need our time together. While I sip my almond latte and write, he sprawls across my lap all 50 pounds of him. Rusty our dacshund snuggles into a free spot while Julie the money cat joins us her paws kneading my upper torso. She purrs loudly; a reminder that all is right with my world. I have shelter. I am warm and I have love. Who could want for more? Yes, I am filled with gratitude.

For a week now over the holidays, we have all lingered in this state of peace. It was a luxurious lingering. In time we will all readjust to a workweek. We have no choice.

Reinventing

Photography, writing, cooking and food; what a combination. Recently I discovered the talents of a lady who has combined her passion of all those things into a career through the blog Minimalist Baker. Although I love my job, I am getting close to the age when I must reinvent myself through "retirement".  One of my retired friends makes organic bread in her kitchen and has a whole new company selling to general stores and doing the farmer's market circuit. I wonder, if it were a job would I still love it?

Cooking feeds (pun intended) my creative  needs. If I wasn't teaching; I suppose I would be cooking or making art in some fashion. Integrating my talents: cooking, photography and writing would present a perfect match. How would you reinvent yourself? In reality we have opportunities to reinvent ourselves every day, don't we?

The Upside of Graititude

Five years ago I read a book that literally changed my life: 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The daughter of a minister, Voskamp felt empty so she began an exercise recording moments of gratitude in a journal until she collected 1,000 entries. Her life changed for the better. I too began that practice and although it begins as an inside job, it can't help but transform in other aspects of your life. 

This morning I read a piece in the NYT by Barbara Ehrenreich in which she argues that there is a selfish side of gratitude. She writes about new age fluff and the falsity of positive thinking. I believe that there is a vast difference between positive thinking and gratitude. Gratitude is the result of acknowledging blessings we have in our lives and is not limited to material things like shelter and food. It could be moments and images that are forever etched in our memories. Positive thinking may be the precursor to an action that has been researched as a suitable action, or not. It is the notion that just thinking positively about anything will make it so and has given this action a bad rap. 

Gratitude can reap positive thinking, happiness, contentment opening one to realizing the extraordinary in the ordinary. Is there really a bad side to gratitude? I have been racking my brain trying to come up with negatives, but I come up empty. What would a world be like void of gratitude? Hopeless? Perhaps it would be filled with souls believing that they are entitled? Would there be happiness? What do you think?

Sleepless

It wasn't excitement or hope for the days ahead; at least I didn't think so. I ushered in the New Year, 1 am and likely 2 am. I didn't look at the time-that makes sleeplessness worse. At about 11 I had a cup of tea-no caffeine, but I swear maybe I need a change of glasses or the packaging was mislabeled. It must be the tea, it's caffeinated, I thought. My body tired, my brain wired I was prone trying to discern why sleep alluded me. The new year? I can't be excited, can I? 

For someone who spends time writing about the past; I try not to anticipate the future, but maybe a day or two or a week in advance. Meetings ahead, appointments and meals to plan things like that. It is straightforward and simple. I try to grasp the moment I am in. You know the practice of mindfulness. It is not easy. I know this as I twist and turn my body, adjusting the covers for the perfect combination that will finally settle me into sleep. My mind is on the year ahead. The excitement and anticipation builds much like waiting for a birth.  Yes, I am excited and hopeful for 2016, but also grateful for what I learned about myself in 2015. I'm wondering were you sleepless last night too?