Solo

The longest stretches of time that I spend alone on a regular basis happen to be in the car driving to and from work.  The trip extends  fifteen minutes tops.  When I really think about it the  allure of solitary silence does not last long.  I am uncertain that I could do it.  Having raised eight children, currently I am surrounded by teenagers.  Mostly teenage boys and their friends who have  suddenly sprouted chin growth.  Those same boys gaggle loudly much like girls do, but they would never admit it.  The youngest in the house, a girl is in perpetual motion,planning  and compartmentalizing our lives into tidy little drawers and cabinets.  There is always a house full. Right now, that is how I like it. Soon activity will shift and my husband and I will have to adjust.  It is best to prepare, to try on silence for short periods of time, pulling and prodding until there is comfort- much like wearing that first training bra.  It took some getting use to.  Regardless, going solo for more than minutes at a time agitates, unearthing a certain degree of discontent.

I know that this silence and contentment with myself is key to my well being.  Is it really the silence or is it that fact that I don't know what to do with myself after so many years of mothering and caring for others?  I must be prepared.