Sunday, January 29, 2017

Compartmentalized Grief

There seems to be plenty rolling around inside my head these days, but the words just don't come.  This morning I walked around the house most of the morning unintentionally with one sock on.  Only when I went to put my shoes on did I notice.  It is clear that I am not fully in this world.  I have spent much of my time rooting around in my heart; picking up pieces.

So many good intentioned people offer advice for how to get through my days.  I am new to this.  It has been 92 days, tomorrow marks three months since my husband left this world.  Continually adjusting, feeling my way forward in darkness and in light, this is my unique journey.  

This week, I have compartmentalized my grief.  In the stillness I cry, created time devoted to face whatever comes.  Wave of emotions still come to me through the day in my workplace, in the car or while I revisit our favorite walks. Ceremoniously expressing my grief appears to make life manageable while I continue to live and fulfill my responsibilities.  Curiously and gratefully I step ahead each day recreating me and building a new normal.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Love Is Eternal

Now the gold polish has nearly worn off.  My two youngest daughters bent on knees on the floor, bathed my feet and made them sparkly for the fall wedding.

Our fingers entwined, my husband and I walked onto the dance floor.  Our dearest friends sharing the space with us, we danced.  Just the two of us.  With everyone else.  He held me close; our bodies swayed sometimes together and sometimes not.  My husband did not complain.  The pain consumed him.  Yet, he wanted to dance. "I know you like to dance," he replied, after I scolded.  Dancing was too much for him.

He never really recovered.  The pain of unknown cause, a constant companion.  Our last dance.

Silly, but I can't bear to remove the polish and I dread when the last of it rubs off.    It is just another little reminder of the man I love and how he constantly, selflessly thought of me and loved me and still loves me so.  Love really is eternal.