Losing It

I am not quite sure when I began to lose it.  All of a sudden, it crept up on me. I have never been good with names-that hasn’t changed. One morning, I couldn’t remember how to operate the shower. For a split second, I panicked uncertain that I would be able to retrieve the sequence of steps necessary to get water.  A few deep breaths later, I was under a warm stream.

With a cart full of groceries, I forgot the pin to my debit card.   Under the watchful  (and critical) eye of the cashier, I began to try a historical series of personal pins frantically pushing buttons.  There was a rush of heat that rose from my neck, droplets grew on my brow and my breath was ragged and shallow. 

“I am so sorry, I have so many pins.   I can’t keep them all straight, “ I apologized and began to write a check.

I misplace small things like my car keys and then much bigger things.  I have been known to stand in the middle of a parking lot and pivot on my toes trying to catch a glimpse of the gray roof of my sedan. 

Most recently, I lost my camera.  For the longest time, it sat in my bedroom awaiting a long needed service call for cleaning.  Days ago on the morning of my birthday, I discovered the disappearance.  For hours the house was ransacked.  No camera.  Thoughts ricochet haphazardly. 

Did I let one of my kids borrow it for a project?  Did I lend it to a friend?  Did I move it?  Where did I put it?  Was it taken? Is it safe?  Will I ever find it?  Will I ever recover it?  What if I never find it?

I have lost it.

Recently, I read somewhere that it is important to have a positive relationship with your brain.  Right now my relationship is rocky.  It is strained at best.