Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Just Ask?

In darkness, I fumbled around the bedroom that my husband and I had taken over in the last six weeks.  My bra in hand, my brain in a dense fog I was unclear what to do with it.  The strap hung from my fingers.  "Breathe," I reminded myself.  My clothes were all laid out for the day; it took me forever to dress as though each article of clothing was foreign. Buttons and zippers impossible.  My husband's best friend was coming to pick me up shortly after 4 a.m. taking me to the hospital, as I began my first hour without my husband.







In the aftermath of loss, there are some days that I just don't know what I want other than my husband to return by my side and stay there.  Alone the simplest of decisions are major events.  Still mundane tasks seem to take forever to execute.  My bullet journal has become a tool that helps to alleviate an over-taxed brain.  To do lists have become instructions to live day by day. These written reminders have become doable blueprints for living.

One day, I will adjust to a degree to this new life.  Despite the everyday challenges, I still look for joy.  I look for the blessings even through loss.  However, courageous I am, right now I haven't a clue what to ask for, but relief from this pain. Asking isn't all that simple, is it?

6 comments:

Molly Kirk said...

I have no words. I am grieving with you. And sending you what strength you need to get through the next minute, hour, day.

Judy said...

I cannot imagine the pain and grief that you are experiencing. But know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Each day is a challenge and each day you are moving forward. Hugs.

Linda B said...

Discovering that the bullet journal is helping must be some kind of relief for the day to day problems, Barbara. I hear your deepest sadness in this post, but then see you continuing to look for some joy. Blessings to you for giving some thoughts to that, too.

elsie said...

Ask, such a simple verb, but yet so complex in your life at this time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Diane Anderson said...

The simplest of decisions are major events... I know the truth of those words. You are on a difficult journey, but you will keep going. Along the way, you will find the things that you can ask for, what will help you.

travelinma said...

Thank you all for your kind words. This is certainly a painful process one that I wish I would race through. However, I need to feel those feelings and acknowledge them to take a step forward.