Tuning In

These days, I am looking for inspiration everywhere.  Losing Jerry's physical presence is a struggle.  This reality has become a part of me, just as his living is a part of me and so is his passing and the aftermath of this life-changing event. I am able to get up in the morning, make a decent cup of coffee, feed the cats cat food and the dogs dog food.  It has not always been this way, for a long time I was unable to read and unable to carry on a conversation because I would lose my train of thought.  Some days are better than others, but for the most part I am doing OK.

Most days, I make sure that I walk preferably in the woods or along the ocean.  I engage in activities that feed me and make me feel good. Soon after Jerry passed, I bought some yarn and began a big project.  So now and again, I pick up the yarn, knit a bit and marvel at the deep shade of garnet.  Soon the poncho/shawl will be a perfect addition to my fall wardrobe.  Recently, I signed up for two online art classes.  I dabble in drawing, painting and collage.  Writing has also been an avenue for expressing my inner most thoughts and feelings.

             Costa Rica during one of my visits to the mountains.

Any reference to grief and loss, emphasizes self-care.  When I think about self-care, images of plates filled with fresh vegetables and walking through the doors of the YMCA to work out swim in an out of my brain.  This is how I define self-care.  Through this experience I have expanded and revamped my vision.  It might be the cup of tea that I savor while watching the birds waiting for the squirrel to stop feeding.  It might be stopping and thinking about what I need at the moment.  Just days after my husband's passing I chose to close the door to the room I was staying in.  I chose to lay in bed.  At that point I wasn't sure that I ever wanted to get up and have to function.  Too agitated to sleep, I rested.  And when I could rest no more, I realized that I have a choice: to stay in bed or to get up.  And then, for some strange reason I had the urge to curl my hair. (If you know me, you know just how bizarre this thought is for me.) Heating up the flat iron, I soon had styled my hair so it was smoothed out, but flipped up at the very end.  It made me feel beautiful.  It made me feel something other than sorrowful, if only for a moment. I wore this hair style for weeks.

Now, I schedule pleasantries into my day by tuning into to what I need everyday. An affirmation suggested by Maria Sorois, "I wish to love myself a little bit more today."  I am a work in progress, ever-evolving.