All Will Be Well

After, we walked in silence back to his work place, so he could finish the day.  There was nothing much to say, that we couldn't say without words. I think that is what happens when you have waited so long to hear good news.  His hand in mine, we stopped and listened to the cardinals and scanned the tree tops for scarlet.   The song was from all directions.  We stood.  He bent down and kissed me on the lips gently.  "I love you, beautiful."  Overcome, the tears came and he wrapped his arms around me kissing the top of my head.

I had heard the cardinal song several times on the day of his cancer diagnosis, six weeks earlier.  It was as if they were following me from Bucksport, through Orland, Ellsworth and finally Bar Harbor.  I heard their song and felt a rush of peace and thought, Don't worry, all will be well.

Scared

‘Truth is

I worry.

I want to trust

Mankind,

But just listen,

The news

Is not

Good.

You want so

To

Connect.

You

Trust

So easily,

How can

I possibly

Protect

You?

Simply,

I love you,

And

I am

Scared.

Living

Just when did fear seep into my life?  Is it the normal condition of a reasonable adult? A young colleague of mine is planning a trip across the country.  By herself.  At one point I wanted to walk the Appalachian Trail, bike long distances and to explore this country. Two summers ago, I thought about going out into the woods and camping by myself.  The thought terrifies me. All the ‘What if’s….’  begin to activate and my logical brain twists into one big knot.  Could I do any of these things by myself?  After almost thirty-five years of marriage I have come to rely on company.  My husband helps me out of fixes on a daily basis and my tall children reach things for me. Could I survive being alone for long periods of time?  Is this really all about fear?

I must challenge myself.  Although I have been in the same skin for more than ‘half-way to one-hundred’ years, there is more to discover about me. I continue to learn everyday.   There are more chances to take.  More adventures.   Trust trumps fear because I possess the inner resources and strength to live and love fully through the joys and heartbreak. I want to feel it all.  Only then will I know that I am living and bust through the fear.

Slowing Down

A light, but steady snow has created a powdery coating over everything outside.  Maybe it is my aging practicality or that I must make an appointment for myself to remedy anxiety, but I am already thinking about the trek to work.  I go slowly, but everyone else is in high gear.

The first alarm goes off at 5 and I grope in the dark to turn it off.  It is an annoying sound choice, no trill of a harp for me.  The chances of slumbering through an angelic musical ladder of notes is quite high.  I must take my medicine 30 minutes before eating. (This is something new for me-out of the ordinary to have to take anything on a regular basis.) The second alarm goes off at 5:30.  For a half hour I am drifting between sleep and wakefulness.  There is only one cat at my feet and I snuggle deeper into the bed pulling the comforter just under my chin.  I am not too cold nor too hot, but just right, cozy and comfy.  I smile in recognition of this condition of near perfection.

Turning off the alarm and leaving my husband to rest, I pad out to the kitchen.  It has been only three mornings-a routine already.  Oatmeal, a half a bagel, fruit, tea and water.  This is the fare that will sustain us until sunset.  During this nine-teen day period (The Baha'i Fast) I am always surprised by how frequently food and drink become part of my day.  My lunch-time is now spent in prayer.  Often I walk along the woods near my work.  This too helps to create mindfulness and give thanks. Perhaps it all sounds a bit contrived, but The Baha'i Fast is always well timed.  I am able to breathe, slow down and trust all the while creating a sense of gratitude for all.

Hanging on Tight

Some days I struggle.  Honestly, maybe it is most days.  Growing up Catholic in an Irish Catholic parish surrounded  by nuns, priests and a grandmother who anointed her sore knees with holy water each day, living was easy.  Each Sunday morning was spent in mass standing, kneeling and reciting a string of unknown Latin words in chorus.  The moves and lyrics a predetermine orchestration of mindless habit at least for some.  Often a trio of men in charge of the church,  there would be one appointed to stand at the pulpit booming  inspiration to sustain the congregation for the entire week.  Those who stumbled and failed to live by the standards of the church were absolved of sin through confession with a quick sign of the cross and a string of Hail Marys and Our Fathers.   I wonder who I would be without this identity.  The innocence of childhood made it easy to exist under these conditions for this is all I knew.

As an adult, I am responsible. Often times, I do not think that I should be.  Life can be confusing.  Life can be hard.  I struggle to be the person I want to be.  Each day I wake up, I think it will be different, but it isn’t.  This is the day that I make good healthy choices.  No junk. Water.  Maybe a walk and I will sit quietly.  I will pray and meditate.  This may sound self-centered and maybe even short-sighted.  It is not enough for me to conduct myself in a manner that is considered to be kind and loving toward others.  Everything just feels a bit hollow. Do I hang onto the fear of failure and rejection? I need not always be a victim.

As we approach the advent of spring, a symbol of renewal, I pray that I will come to a new place of acceptance and patience for myself and others.  I want to let go of this struggle and write a new story filled with hope for myself, my family and all humankind.  Somehow I think there is a spiritual solution to all this.  I just hope I latch onto something soon and hang on tight.

Slow Down

Slow down.
What everyone else is doing
Is
Not
Important
When seeking
Truth.

Trust

Fear holds me.

Anxiety binds my spirit

Limiting my vision 

Of what lies ahead. 

I can only see as far as I can see,

And then

I must trust,

Simply trust.