Friday, March 17, 2017

He Loves Me


Every birthday for the last 35, he would wake me gently, his lips pressing upon my ear, caressing. "I love you, gorgeous. I love you beautiful.  Happy Birthday." It was the first sweet greeting of another new year. 

Today is my birthday.  It is 2 am.  I can't sleep.  My mind wanders to the fact that this year Jerry will not whisper his love on my birthday.  The tears well up in the outer corner of my eyes, but don't flow.  My heart feels crushed.  It aches. Tears then run freely.

I lay in the darkness.  The dog near.  One cat on the extra pillow near my head.  Another nestled at my side.  I try to breathe, slow deep breaths to clear my head and inflate my heart.  I lay on my back, staring at the fluorescent stars on the ceiling of my son's former room, now mine.  "Come...in a dream.  Come please. Just come...it's my birthday..." My words desperate.  It would be my fix for the day. The perfect "gift."

Then, I think how Jerry had a mind of his own.  Once he had something in his head, there was no stopping him or convincing him of another course.   He would wander off and not tell me where he was for hours, despite my worry.  An independent, free spirit when he had something he wanted to do, he did it. He jumped out of a plane, waiting until I was on the west coast, and far away to do it. And he told me about it after he had done it. He knew I would worry and try to stop him. When we were trying to cut down on meat, he would come home now and again with a big slap of beef, the size my mother would feed to our entire family. He would sit down and eat it himself with butter melted on top.  My look of disgust, resulted in a remark, between bites, "I know what I like."

I am laughing out loud.  Alone.  I remember just how stubborn he was. 'Bet he still is, I ponder.

Then I realize, that despite my begging, he may come to me in a dream or maybe he won't. My mind desperate to find resolution and peace, wanders. I think of a pile of daisy petals fluttering to the ground.  He loves me.  He loves me, not. I know with certainty, he loves me and always will.

Rex with his nose nestled into his front paws is sleeping. I hear his breathing. Julie purrs, kneading the blankets until she finds a spot to curl.  I slip into a bed exhausted with the crazy ride of emotions and the fact that it is nearly 4 am. I feel so much better remembering I am blessed; I am loved.

14 comments:

parkers said...

Beautiful and real! Your post touched me so deeply. Even though it was a deeply painful reality, your words sucked me in like a novel. I felt there with you in the dark. If I could, I would reach out and hold your hand and tell you, your words are heard and you are not alone. Rest well. Happy birthday.

travelinma said...

Your response brings such strong emotions. Love from all directions helps. Thank you. Now to function through the day with little sleep.

sunshyntangerine said...

Happy birthday sweet auntie. I love you and your writing so much. Thank you for sharing. May your day be filled with love and sweet,sweet memories.

Judy said...

Happy Birthday! Such a moving slice and I think that Jerry is with you each and every moment of your day - in your writing, in your memories, amidst your tears and thoughts. I pray that you have a blessed birthday. Hugs

Mandi O. said...

I keep wanting to press the LIKE or LOVE button, but there is none. Your writing has gotten so rich, descriptive, and real. You've harnessed the power of "Show, not tell," painting vivid images in the reader's mind. Thank you for sharing. Happy Birthday. Perhaps Rex tried to pass on UJ's message to you this year. ♥

elsie said...

Your memories are a gift that your husband left you with. He made you feel special every day, but extra special on this day. Happy birthday, wrap those memories around yourself and treat yourself to them one by one.

Claudette Guay said...

Happy birthday. Your writing is so real and makes me feel your mood that you are in when you write. Hugs

Mary Ann Reilly said...

Birthdays, like holidays, can be difficult. My birthday and Rob's were a day apart. The sweet and funny memories help, don't they?
Happy Birthday!

travelinma said...

Thank you. It was the funny, stubborn and quirky ways that lifted me from sadness. Thank goodness I have lots of stories!! Jerry was bigger than life in so many ways!

Linda B said...

You share a birthday with another of the slicers.I just came from wishing her a Happy Birthday and now one to you, too, Barbara. Bittersweet it sounds, but I admire you for working your way into some relief that your husband was stubborn and did things his way, and you already know the love is there.

Juliette Awua-Kyerematen said...

Memories, like yours help us deal with our loss. The humor helps a lot.

Juliette Awua-Kyerematen said...

Memories, like yours help us deal with our loss. The humor helps a lot.

Beverley Baird said...

Happy birthday. Those memories are so special. May your dreams be filled with your hubby.

Chris Margocs said...

What a sad, sweet birthday remembering. I hope you found more sweet memories throughout the day, surrounded by the love that is forever there.