Thursday, March 9, 2017

Doing It!

His arm muscles bulged as he lifted the bags of groceries into the cab. I was looking for someone strong and single.

It was getting cold.  I clutched my unzipped jacket to my throat and hurried into the store.  I couldn't believe it. What was I doing?  I swallowed hard and my eyes stung.  Guilt strangled.  I could barely breathe.  It was as though I had had a torrid affair leaving a tangle of sheets behind. Weeks before my husband of more than 36 years passed away suddenly.  It was clear that the man with the bulging forearms would be used selfishly for my own gain of security.  Whispers of love would not reach into this man's heart. It would not be a tale of true love like the relationship with my husband, but one of convenience; an arrangement.

Picking through the Pink Lady apples in the produce section, I plopped them into my bag one by one.  I don't need a man.  I don't need a man.  The current political climate helped me to muster my strength as a female and convince myself that I could manage on my own and acknowledge the fear pulsing through every cell of my being.  I was alone in my future. The once blissful life spent walking with my husband hand in hand and picnicking in the warm summer sun cooled by a sea breeze was no more.  My world was on shaky ground.  Life alone at best was uncertain.  I can do this, I thought as I lifted the hatch of my Prius and hoisted the bags of groceries into the car. Slamming the back closed, Wait, I thought with a sudden shift of perception, It is not that I can do this, but that I AM doing this.  
Postscript:  I have been told that this is a pretty normal response following the death of a spouse.  A number of widows have reassured me that this happened to them too.  For me, this phase passed quickly. I was relieved.

9 comments:

Stacey Shubitz said...

I knew your husband passed away, but I didn't realize it was sudden. Oh, Barbara. Recalibrating after a loss is hard, but when the loss is sudden... I can't even imagine what you're going through.

You are strong. You will get through this. It will take time.

BK said...

Morning Barbara,
Welcome to this new world. I lost my partner a year August and it was a very hard adjustment. Writing letters every day to him really helped me. Just writing... and support from my writing community helped so much. I'm with you,
Bonnie

travelinma said...

Stacey, Thank you for your supportive words. We had about 4 weeks from the time we knew. We thought we would have a little more time. He was able to spend time with each of our 8 kids and say what he needed to. A blessing. Everyday is hard, but made easier with all the love. Certainly sudden in that he had always been strong, vibrant and healthy. A work horse.

travelinma said...

Bonnie, I am so sorry for you. The new normal is all about adjusting. Writing helps me too! Thanks for the love.

Linda B said...

Dear Barbara, Stacey has told me of the recent loss of your husband. I just read through your past posts to learn a little more, am so sorry for your great loss. My husband passed in the fall of 2013 after a long fight with Parkinson's. Each day I think of him and what we would be doing, what is missed, just as you are now. Each of us I know is different but wanted you to know that I am here, and thinking of your days, sending a hug for this hard, hard time.

travelinma said...

Linda, I appreciate your kind thoughts. It helps to know that I am not alone and that others face each day. I know that the grief softens with time, but never disappears. I have learned through this that the essence of living on this earth is love. It has made me a bit more compassionate and patient. The outpouring of love and support from all directions is overwhelming, in a good way. The emotions come in great waves. Right now, my throat aches and my heart is opened with gratitude.

Linda B said...

I'm glad to hear about your wonderful support. That counts for more than anyone can imagine. And yes, love is what each of us thrives with. Enjoy what brings that to you today.

Mary Ann Reilly said...

Everything you think and feel is just normal. Kindness matter so, especially to ones self. Wishing you all of that and more.

travelinma said...

Since I am fairly new to this widow world, I have come to accept the flurry of feelings that contradict and come with little explanation.